The weekend's activities
The weekend started off with a bracing game of basketball with my two dependants – Kurt and Karl. I only have to look after Kurt part time because he has moved out with his lover temporarily. They have very little electricity in the flat because they have to pay for it themselves. They maximise efficiency by only putting on the TV when both of them want to watch something and sharing bath water. At first they used to argue about who would bathe first and who would have to wash in the other’s filth. This issue was promptly resolved when they decided that the best course of action would be to bathe together. They do not employ any sort of heating devices even though the temperature over there quite often goes below zero. They reason that their 12-inch television emits more than enough heat during the carefully budgeted operating time when it is on.
Needless to say my superior athletic prowess and cat-like agility saw me the winner of the basketball by an unquestionable margin, despite my dependents’ pathetic attempts to gang up on me. On Saturday we did not go out because my dependants were simply too lazy.
Yesterday I consumed my own weight in beer. I went out for a meal with my dependents. We went to an Italian restaurant and humiliation ensued when Karl put forward a ham fisted attempt at speaking Italian. After the hundredth gleeful shout of one of the few catch phrases that Karl knew (“Tutti Frutti!”/”Grazie!”/”Bene!”) I was impelled to leave an inordinately large tip as a token of apology.
We decided to round it off with a couple of pints down the pub. After the first two, one more seemed like a damn good idea. Then we had a few more and then I don’t remember much. I do remember drunkenly approaching three very nice looking ladies who, as my dependent Karl pertinently pointed out, were well out of our league, especially his.
They were obviously so overcome by my good looks and charm that they became flustered and had to leave for fear of being subjected to multiple orgasms in the middle of a crowded pub, which would have been embarrassing for them. Such was the extent of their uncontrollable arousal that they practically sprinted out of the door.
I won ten quid off my other dependent Kurt, whilst playing billiards. I did this by cunningly throwing the first few games and then winning when there was some money on it. The fool was hopelessly oblivious to my shrewd plan.
This morning I kept on trying to wake up, but my own breath kept on knocking me unconscious. Also I felt sick. And I had a headache. I’m not sure why I woke up feeling so shitty but I suspect there might be a correlation between how I feel today and yesterday’s nocturnal activities.
At lunch I had fish and chips instead of the usual pint. It made me want to vomit.
I have now decided that I am going to start a healthy living regime, which will exclude smoking, drinking and any form of drugs whatsoever. I will start this regime today by going home and, hangover willing, performing no less than 1000 sit ups and 500 push ups. Proper ones not cop out ones.
I have nothing more to say for now.
Needless to say my superior athletic prowess and cat-like agility saw me the winner of the basketball by an unquestionable margin, despite my dependents’ pathetic attempts to gang up on me. On Saturday we did not go out because my dependants were simply too lazy.
Yesterday I consumed my own weight in beer. I went out for a meal with my dependents. We went to an Italian restaurant and humiliation ensued when Karl put forward a ham fisted attempt at speaking Italian. After the hundredth gleeful shout of one of the few catch phrases that Karl knew (“Tutti Frutti!”/”Grazie!”/”Bene!”) I was impelled to leave an inordinately large tip as a token of apology.
We decided to round it off with a couple of pints down the pub. After the first two, one more seemed like a damn good idea. Then we had a few more and then I don’t remember much. I do remember drunkenly approaching three very nice looking ladies who, as my dependent Karl pertinently pointed out, were well out of our league, especially his.
They were obviously so overcome by my good looks and charm that they became flustered and had to leave for fear of being subjected to multiple orgasms in the middle of a crowded pub, which would have been embarrassing for them. Such was the extent of their uncontrollable arousal that they practically sprinted out of the door.
I won ten quid off my other dependent Kurt, whilst playing billiards. I did this by cunningly throwing the first few games and then winning when there was some money on it. The fool was hopelessly oblivious to my shrewd plan.
This morning I kept on trying to wake up, but my own breath kept on knocking me unconscious. Also I felt sick. And I had a headache. I’m not sure why I woke up feeling so shitty but I suspect there might be a correlation between how I feel today and yesterday’s nocturnal activities.
At lunch I had fish and chips instead of the usual pint. It made me want to vomit.
I have now decided that I am going to start a healthy living regime, which will exclude smoking, drinking and any form of drugs whatsoever. I will start this regime today by going home and, hangover willing, performing no less than 1000 sit ups and 500 push ups. Proper ones not cop out ones.
I have nothing more to say for now.
posted by Poncy Git at 6:11 AM
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